>Hello and congratulations on your decision to welcome a bassoonist into your home! As you are no doubt aware, bassoonists offer their owners a loyal and loving companion, but also the unparalleled feeling of satisfaction when the first warm, earthy tones of bassoon begin to fill your house, and—as you will see—your heart.

As you have received this pamphlet, you can be assured that your bassoonist comes from a registered supplier, and that your bassoonist is as healthy and happy as he or she could possibly be. However, it is important to physically examine your bassoonist before purchase, as they, like other woodwind musicians, are susceptible to inherited physical defects. To ensure a trouble-free transition, please be undertake some simple preparations before bringing your young bassoonist home.

It is imperative, for instance, to create a “rest area” somewhere in your house for your young bassoonist, who will no doubt be apprehensive and slightly unsure about his or her new environment. This “rest area” should include warm bedding, water, and at least three replacement reeds. Remember, bassoonists only use double reeds; presenting a single reed is likely to provoke hostility and identity confusion (what is technically called “Clarinet Sublimation Syndrome”) at this early stage of his or her development. This “rest area” will be where the young bassoonist will rest while not practising.

Once your bassoonist is comfortable in their new home and re, you may introduce them to their playing environment—the place where your bassoonist will spend the majority of his or her young life. Most experts recommend a simple “study room” arrangement that is challenging yet comfortable. A simple desk, chair and music stand should be all your young bassoonist needs to begin the long journey of musical fortitude. Please note that, if possible, windows should be avoided.

It is very important to instil the importance of practice and discipline in your young bassoonist. While an early period of “creative rest” is not unheard of, it is the commonly accepted wisdom that bassoonists respond the best to constant and unyielding “practice rules” from the very moment they arrive in their new home environment. This means a mutually agreed-upon schedule of bassoon practice, usually consisting of at least 14 hours of dedicated practice per day. For the first few weeks, while their bodies are still developing, it is recommended that approximately 80 per cent of practice should consist of anhemitonic pentatonic scales. This percentage should be amended appropriately through the first year (please see the attached pamphlet, “Phrygian Follies”). This is not to say that practice should not be enjoyable. Allow your young bassoonist to choose one poster of a musical hero to paste above their desk. This allows the bassoonist to express his or her “fun side”. Do not allow posters, however, to exceed an A4 size.

After the first few years, following these simple guidelines, your house should be filled with the agreeable strains of bassoon music. We wish you many pleasant years of ownership of your young bassoonist. For further information, please subscribe to our mailing list.



  1. >This is no witty comment mind you but I’ve been enjoying reading your stuff. Really liked this one. Can’t resist writing puns about ‘hitting notes/striking chords’ with my psyche.Dave (once a clarinetist)

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