It’s nearly time to start buying those Christmas presents, and you know what that means: COOKBOOKS! Because we only eat gruel and clear soup between January and September, publishers wisely save up all their cookbooks and publish them all at once in the mouthwatering two-month period leading up to December 25! Here is a list of 18 of the very best titles coming up in the next few months. Hope one of them ends up in your stocking, or someone else’s stocking, or in your oven or something!
No, We Don’t Stock Medjoul Dates
The Official Woolworths Cookbook, with over 100 recipes with ingredients that we’ve actually heard of. $5 rebate upon presentation of any title by Yotam Ottlenghi.
Put Anything in a Pot and Just Walk Away
The 100% responsibility-free cookbook for the home chef who doesn’t even want to know how their meal turns out.
Could you not just use red Skittles instead of Pomegranate seeds, maybe?
Kochie’s Family Home Time Meals
David Koch, TV’s favourite vaguely egg-shaped morning presenter and also something to do with finance, has long loved to cook for his family and at long last has been persuaded to put his name on the cover of a collection of all his favourite recipes that he definitely cooks all the time. All relevant proceeds will most likely go to a charity, so that’s all good. Kochie!
Gary Mehigan’s Garden to Table Natural Green Kitchen
Masterchef Judge and successful restauranteur knows the best food definitely comes from a garden, which is where food comes from. He will teach you to eat with the seasons such as Autumn and Summer and enjoy writing on little stakes you can put next to your food plants so you know what they are.
You can’t say this isn’t food, and that Kochie wouldn’t cook it for his family regularly because he does and why would we make up something like that?
Maggie Beer’s Big Book of Fucking Verjuice
We tried to stop her, we really did.
Jamie’s Crowdsourced Meals
Everyone’s favourite nonthreatening chef, Jamie Oliver, returns with an exciting new cookbook just in time for Christmas! Jamie shows you how to create a variety of nutritious and tasty meals just from ingredients you can get other people to give you in exchange for badges and totebags.
A peach sitting a shitload of sour grape water, as if that’s even a recipe.
Big Bloke BBQ Book for Men
No girly shit. Just meat. Page 43 is a sirloin steak.
Rockabilly Chix Vegan Wonderland
Nearly 200 pages of bluebird tattoos, funky eyewear, polkadot dresses and one Rockin’ hummous on toast recipe!
Look out for the ‘Big Bloke BBQ Book for Men’ promotional bookmarks.
From the inexplicably successful “Food Truck” of the same name comes a cookbook like no other! Finally you can recreate the taste of Mexican food cooked on a diesel engine right in your own home.
The Monsanto Family Cookbook
America’s Favourite Family Company™ is proud to release their first cookbook, chock-full of great recipes featuring licensed Monsanto ingredients such as Delay-Ripened™ Tomato Ragout, Roundup-Ready™ Rissoles and Antiglyphosato™ Salad™. After trying these recipies, you’ll think GMO stands for Good Munchin, Ohboy!™
Injecting testosterone into delicious Crookneck Squashes just means there’s more to love!
Ferment, Rot and Decompose
Making food by letting fresh ingredients just sit there in a container for months at a time is now more than just a fad: it’s a way of life! Let Worston Criblock, author of 2012’s Wild Fermentation classic Stankbottles and Crusticles: 400 Ways to Degrade American Flavors tickle your tastebuds and challenge your gag reflex with more than 60 new recipes. All you need is something totally edible, an old bathtub and an inordinate amount of time!
Step Away From the Sugar
Everything has sugar in it. Everything. Don’t even think about sugar. Seal your windows. To be safe, burn down your kitchen. What’s that in your pocket? Keep your hands where we can see them! Do not move! GET ON THE GROUND! ON THE GROUND! NOW!
Just looking at this could literally kill you.
101 Wines You Don’t Even Have to Drink
Young sommelier/street artist Mmat Gurnsen gives you the skinny on the best wine bottles of 2014, including some that actually contain beer!
Nona’s Treasure Box
When Rosa Fornetti’s Nonna died, she failed to bequeath her anything of actual value, except for some wooden box with handwritten Italian recipes in it, just because she said she liked it once. Anyway, hopefully the book will make some money. It’s got, like, a handwriting font on the cover and a ribbon.
Hopefully exactly the type of emotionally manipulative image that will make you part with $69.95.
Recipes and stories from Krada, the world’s best restaurant, home to reclusive Finnish chef Armo Oivio, who creates stunning meals using only ingredients he finds in his dreams. Perfect for true gourmands who believe that just because something doesn’t actually exist doesn’t mean you shouldn’t eat it. Also available in a limited edition invisible slipcase for only $200 more.
[UNTITLED MASTERCHEF WINNER] Cooks from the Heart
Ever since [NAME] won a hard-fought Masterchef finale with their now-famous [RECIPE], Australia has waited to see what they would do next. We all we shared the journey of [NAME], marvelling how they overcame [PERSONAL TRAGEDY] and near-disaster with a certain [DIFFICULT DESERT]. Now join [NAME] as they show us with this cookbook why they’re more than just [SHORTSIGHTED CHARACTER ASSESSMENT BASED ON LOOKS]. Featuring their much talked-about [RECIPE] that won the now-famous cookoff with well-known chef [SHORT WHITE MAN].
A picture of the happy Masterchef winner.
Donna Hay: Entertaining Made So Easy Even You Could Do It
Let Australia’s Queen of Simple Entertaining share over 100 new recipes that even an idiot like you couldn’t screw it up. Printed in large lettering with numerous warnings not to attempt to eat the pictures of food and featuring pages with rounded corners, this wonderful cookbook that is frankly more than you deserve includes a special section on getting sauce stains out of those rags you call clothes.
We 100% guarantee that Whoopie Pops are the next big thing! Look at them! Aren’t they great? We paid a lot of money for the rights to publish this so please make it happen. We need to recoup about $150,000 from our gamble on the 2013 Croissantaroon trend.
All you have to do it cut up fruit and put it in a bowl. Reckon you can manage that? *Do not eat the bowl*